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Top Facts for Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris thought up some of the funniest Chuck Norris facts ever, but he hasn't submitted them to the site because he doesn't believe in any form of submission.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Noris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Most men are OK with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.

If you try to introduce your mother to Chuck Norris, she'll introduce you to your biological father.

Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.

Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved.

Geico saved 15% by switching to Chuck Norris.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once survived a suicide bombing. He was the bomber.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris once went on Celebrity Jeopardy and answered, "Who is Chuck Norris?" to every question. It was the first and only time in Jeopardy history that a contestant answered every single question right.

Water boils faster when Chuck Norris watches it.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.

Chuck Norris has to sort his laundry into three loads: darks, whites, and bloodstains.

Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

Chuck Norris' sperm can penetrate 13 condoms, the birth control pill, a brick wall, and the 1975 Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line in order to impregnate a woman.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris gave cats nine lives so he could kill them more.

They say that lightning never strikes the same place twice. Niether does Chuck Norris. He doesn't have to.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pisses.

Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself... The only thing fear has to fear is Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris laughs too hard while drinking milk, he accidently shits a cow.

If at first you don't succeed, you are obviously not Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris ends every relationship with "Its not me, its you".

When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.

The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type "Chuck Norris" into Google and hit "I'm Feeling Lucky!".

Chuck Norris got in touch with his feminine side, and promptly got her pregnant.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris never gets brain freeze. Slurpees know when to back the fuck off.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Bruce Lee, breaking him in half. The result was Jet Li and Jackie Chan.

If you see Chuck Norris crying he will grant you a wish, if your wish is dying.

Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know when Chuck Norris is going to kill you.

Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier.

Chuck Norris was sending an email one day, when he realized that it would be faster to run.

Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.

One time in an airport a guy accidently called Chuck Norris "Chick Norris". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politely signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.

When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.

Chuck Norris' cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.

In order to survive a nuclear attack, you must remember to stop, drop, and be Chuck Norris.

There was going to be a special edition Chuck Norris toliet paper, but Chuck doesn't take crap from anybody.

Chuck Norris has never had an alcohol problem. However, alcohol has had a Chuck Norris problem.

Whenever Chuck Norris's wife asks him nicely to do the dishes, he throws them in the garbage and tells her she looks fat.

If you come home to find Chuck Norris doing your wife, it's probably best to go fetch a glass of water and stand there in case Chuck gets thirsty. There ain't no future in any other course of action.

The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris refers to himself in fourth person.

Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.

When the Incredible Hulk gets angry he transforms into Chuck Norris.

Whenever someone is constipated, doctors send them to Chuck Norris so he can scare the shit out of them.

Chuck Norris doesn't give Christmas presents. If you live to see Christmas, that is your Christmas present from Chuck.

The phrase "Made by Chuck Norris" is imprinted beneath the surface of China.

Switzerland isn't really neutral. They just haven't figured out what side Chuck Norris is on yet.

Chuck Norris doesn't have a bank account. He just tells the bank how much he needs.

If Chuck Norris were an Olympic athlete, the Olympics would be canceled. Every four years they would just mail Chuck Norris his 237 gold medals.

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

It's no coincidence that the tattoo on Mike Tyson's face and the sole of Chuck Norris' boot share the same pattern.

Jesus owns and wears a bracelet that reads, "WWCND?"

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

Chuck Norris uses all seven letters in Scrabble... Every turn.

When writing "Romeo & Juliet" Shakespeare originally thought about Chuck Norris to play Romeo but in the end this could not happen because no poison could kill Chuck Norris. Ever.

Contrary to popular belief, George Bush is a great speaker and rarely mispronounces words. He appears incompetent because he knows Chuck Norris is watching.

The first lunar eclipse took place after Chuck Norris challenged the sun to a staring contest. Chuck Norris always wins.

Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.

Chuck Norris does not leave messages. Chuck Norris leaves warnings.

Chuck Norris once had a near death experience. Needless to say, Death now refuses to come near him.

Heart disease may be the new leading cause of death in women age 45 to 65, but Chuck Norris is still the leading cause of death in men age 0 to 125.

Jesus's Birthday isn't December 25 but Chuck Norris once sent him a birthday card for that day, Jesus was too scared to tell Chuck the truth. Thats why we celebrate Christmas.